BBW? nahhhhhh.

board shorts. one would think this would be a simple thing to find. they're not. women's board shorts are all booty shorts where my cheeks would be flapping in the breeze from beneath the bottom of the shorts (yark- not such a good look, right?) so i ventured into the men's section of target yesterday to branch out of my comfort zone and to perhaps find the perfect pair. and there they were. they were pink! they were fab! and i had NO idea what size i would be in the men's department, since i only shop women's vanity sizes (hardee har) and i didn't even know where to begin. i DO know i have hip and a bootylicious ass. sooooooo. i grab a pair of 34s and a pair of 36s & head into the dressing room, confident that, surely, these will be too big and i will have to go back and grab the 32s. right? WRONG. i come out on the verge of tears, and grab the size 38s. those fit. however i looked like a stuffed sausage in them.

ok time to reevaluate things a bit.

over the past few years, i've considered myself quite sassy. i dress well. i accessorize very well. i take excellent care of my self as far as applying fun & creative makeup & always have on funky jewelry & lets not forget the finishing touch- SHOES. i've been slowly coming to the point where i am saying "look at me! i'm a big ass girl, but i am sassy, i am confident in myself, and i am a badass. i'm a BBW and i love being a big ass curvy girl."

ok at this point i'm quite over it.

there's a number, a number on the scale that is my "scary" number. i don't know what that number is for anyone else, i only know it for myself. it's always been the "scary" number, i didn't reach that number even when i was hugely pregnant with either one of my kids. yet here i am, at 35 years old, dangerously close to approaching the "scary" number on the scale, with ZERO excuses as to why. sure i've been laid up with health issues, but for fucks sake, i can certainly control what's going into my mouth, can't i?!  i can NOT reach the scary number. period.

i hear people 'round the way watch those shows on TLC & such about those people who are so fat that they can't leave their own homes, or reach their "scary" weight, and wonder "how did it get that bad?" but seriously folks, it's all relative. it truly is. because i will tell you. when i weighed 135 (which at the time was like a slap in the face for me- because i really thought i was fat then- i wish i could time travel and slap the shit out of myself, but i digress) i never in a million YEARS thought i would reach the "scary" weight on the scale. yet here i am, teetering on the edge of the point of fatness no return. to the point where i've wondered about other people just how they let themselves reach that number. here's the dealio. it was much easier to reach this point than i thought it would be. and that in itself scares the shit out of me, because unless i do something about it RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, nothing is going to get done. i will continue to reach point scary and surpass it because by then i'll get a case of the "fuck its"  (those of you who are addicts or work in addictions know the "fuck its" very well) and once i get the those, all bets will be off because i know for a fact i will consider myself both a lost cause and hopeless.

i am not a lost cause. i am not hopeless.

so here's da blog. it might be boring as hell to read. there will be fashion. there might be some drama (LOL). there might even be some whining from time to time because hell, i realize these journeys aren't without hardships because if they were, everyone would be at their goal weight and comfortable in their own skin. there might even be shoes.

so today is the first day of da journey of finding my real body. my real self, well, that'll come in due time, but the body thing i can certainly take control of NOW.